I came to believe I had made a grave mistake in letting our four year relationship fall apart. It had been a couple of months since it had ended and the unexpected murder of my cousin and her son had drastically altered my perspective. I wanted my girlfriend back. I needed her. We could avoid the pitfalls we had cyclically fallen into. The new and improved me was perfect for her.
I would do everything I could to show her how important she was to me.
Before I began I wrote a letter to myself. I just came across it the other day. It read:
Karson, If it doesn’t work out don’t feel bad. You tried as hard as you could. Don’t have any regrets. There was nothing you could do about it. It wasn’t meant to be. Anything else you could have spent doing those hours you put into stuff for her you can still do now. Reading, movies, etc. will always be there, this was probably the only time in your life you had to get her. You have learned so much about what is important in life and you will have the opportunity to show it to someone else. Be happy for her, be happy for everything that happens to her. Move on, find someone else, and treat them the way you would have treated her. Everything will be just fine.
I went on to take every opportunity I could to see and talk to her. I wrote her letters and made her CD’s. Before going to Asia I explained 45 different things that I loved about her on index cards and placed them into individual envelopes so she would have a new one to open every day that I was gone. I arranged flowers to be delivered to her every other week. I emailed and messaged her when I had the chance. I did everything I could. It wasn’t enough.
We didn’t get back together.
Perhaps it was too much? Perhaps I came off as desperate? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Life is too short to play guessing games with myself. I learned it is much easier to accept a failure knowing that I acted true to myself. My golden rule is a combination of treat people the way I want to be treated and the way I’d want someone to treat my sister.
When I act against my better judgement I expose myself to thoughts such as “what if I would have done this… then maybe it would have worked.” Even worse is when I’m not true to myself and get what I think I want. I ignore the voice in my head saying “this is wrong” and “this isn’t you.” Next thing I know I’m going out every night and getting an hour of sleep before work to keep someone in my life (a story for another day). Requirements lead to unhappiness. By being genuine I can trust that when relationship, or any sort of opportunity, comes my way I’ll be a good fit.
This letter can apply to anything in life. A job, a business venture, a hobby, etc. When you find something you are passionate about don’t be afraid to give it your all. The more you work at it the more you’ll learn and the better you’ll become. Care about what you are doing but don’t worry about the outcome. Worrying isn’t action. It is by doing that you will learn and better yourself. If you’re doing something you love it’s never a waste of time. If one opportunity doesn’t work out you have bettered yourself and are more prepared for the next one.
Try not to begrudge someone for not choosing you. Trust that you can’t satisfy them. Be happy for them. Keep improving yourself. Be kind. The more kindness you put into the world the kinder it will be. I’ll use simple math to prove this: World + Kind = More Kind World. World + Mean = More Mean World. You control your world’s equation and choose the people who contribute to it. The more you practice being what you want to see in the world, the more prevalent it will be.
Whether you’re on top, at rock bottom, or somewhere in between. Find things you love doing, people you love interacting with and do it as much as you can. It’ll make your day a little bit better. It’ll make the world a little bit better. Opportunities will find you.
I still struggle with this. I still get impatient and anxious. I want things now. What if I’m wrong? What if they never come? I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Everything is just fine. Everything will be just fine.